I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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