I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
