I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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