If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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