I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
