im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
