I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
