I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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