for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
