Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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