There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
