I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
