There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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