why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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