I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
