I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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