i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
