I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
