I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
