i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
She needs sedatives and a leash
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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