I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize