Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
