the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
