also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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