Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
