census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I deserve this hangover.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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