i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
