Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
jump out the window naked night went bad
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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