i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
