I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
