Just cropdusted the office
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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