you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
