How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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