evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
