Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
