Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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