I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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