after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize