i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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