my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
