Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
