I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
