I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
