I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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