Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
The air taste purple.
Randomize
