Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
