10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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