So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
