I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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