I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
