I like my sex mixed with concussions.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize