Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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