is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
