my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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