omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
