I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
