...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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