You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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