I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize